Short and humorous stories about people in politics, history and arts

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the Queen Elizabeth I
At the time when Queen Elizabeth I was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet Her Majesty, and usher her into the city with due formality.
On their return they passed through a wide brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him; which the Queen observing, called out to him, "Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;" but the magistrate, bowing very low, modestly answered, "Nay, nay, may it please Your Majesty's horse to drink first.




Sir Winston Churchill, the Duke of Marlboro
Winston Churchill's aphorisms:
- The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.
- Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.
- History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Personally I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
- I like a man who grins when he fights.
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- It's a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.




Richard Brinsley Sheridan
The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan, as they were formerly.
"Indeed, father," replied Sheridan, then a boy, "we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody."




Mark Twain
While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day with a cigar box tucked under his arm when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquiantance.
"You promised me," she reproachfully declared, "that you would give up smoking."
"Madam, this box does not contain cigars," Twain replied. "I'm just moving."




Sir Isaac Newton
Newton owned a pet dog named Diamond, which one day knocked over the candle on the scientist's desk and started a blaze that destroyed records of many years' research.
Newton, viewing the destruction, said only, "O Diamond, Diamond, thou little knowest the damage thou hast done."




Eugene O'Neill
O'Neill always strongly objected to cutting any of his plays. When director and playwright Russel Crouse asked him to shorten the script of "Ah, Wilderness!" he was very reluctant. The following day he telephoned Crouse to tell him that he had cut fifteen minutes. Surprised and pleased, Crouse said, "I'll be right over to get the changes."
"Oh, there aren't any changes to the text," O'Neill explained, "but you know we have been playing this thing in four acts. I've decided to cut out the third intermission."




Dorothy Parker
In the hospital Dorothy Parker was visited by her secretary, to whom she wished to dictate some letters. Pressing the button marked NURSE, Dorothy observed, "That should assure us of a least forty-five minutes of undisturbed privacy."




George Bernard Shaw
At a performance given by an Italian string quartet, Shaw's companion remarked approvingly, "These men have been playing together for twelve years."
"Surely," said Shaw, "we have been here longer than that."




John Steinbeck
During his later years, when he was famous, Steinbeck's wife, Elaine, brought home a paperback book entitled "John Steinbeck", by Frank William Watt. Steinbeck, who often felt he had been misinterpreted by many of the commentators on his life and work, read it with great interest.
Finished, he remarked, "This book doesn't seem to be about me, but it's pretty interesting about somebody."




Mark Twain
Mark Twain loved to brag about his hunting and fishing exploits. He once spent three weeks fishing in the Maine woods, regardless of the fact that it was the state's closed season for fishing.
Relaxing in the lounge car of the train on his return journey to New York, his catch iced down in the baggage car, he looked for someone to whom he could relate the story of his successful holiday.
The stranger to whom he began to boast of his sizable catch appeared at first unresponsive, then positively grim. "By the way, who are you, sir?" inquired Twain airily.
"I'm the state game warden," was the unwelcome response. "Who are you?"
Twain nearly swallowed his cigar. "Well, to be perfectly truthful, warden," he said hastily, "I'm the biggest damn liar in the whole United States."




Queen Victoria
In the early years of their marriage, Victoria and Albert visited Florence several times, greatly impressed by the city's architectural treasures. Of these, the Brunelleschi dome surmounting the cathedral was their personal favorite.
Victoria returned to Florence some years after Albert's death to find that the dome had been magnificently restored. She ordered the carriage to stop in the piazza outside the cathedral and rolled down the window.
Opening up the locket that hung around her neck, she turned the miniature of her beloved husband to face the building, so that he could share with her the splendor of the newly restored dome. Then, after a few moments' silent contemplation, she closed the locket and drove away.




George Washington
Early in the Revolutionary War, Washington sent one of his officers to requisition horses from the local landowners. Calling at an old country mansion the officer was received by the elderly mistress of the house.
"Madam, I have come to claim your horses in the name of the government," he began.
"On whose orders?" demanded the woman sternly.
"On the orders of General George Washington, commander in chief of the American army," replied the officer.
The old lady smiled. "You go back and tell General George Washington that his mother says he cannot have her horses," she said.




Daniel Webster
Webster's father left him and his brother Ezekiel alone one day and gave them specific instructions as to the work they were to accomplish. On his return, he found the task still undone, and severely questioned his sons about their idleness.
"What have you been doing, Ezekiel?" he asked.
"Nothing, sir."
"Well, Daniel, what have you been doing?"
"Helping Zeke, sir."




Herbert George Wells
On leaving a Cambridge party, Wells accidentally picked up a hat that did not belong to him. Discovering his mistake, he decided not to return the headgear to its rightful owner, whose label was inside the brim.
The hat fit Wells comfortably; furthermore, he had grown to like it. So he wrote to the former owner: "I stole your hat; I like your hat; I shall keep your hat. Whenever I look inside it I shall think of you and your excellent sherry and of the town of Cambridge. I take off your hat to you."




Tennessee Williams (Thomas Lanier Tennesee Williams)
Newspaper reports in 1961 announced that Williams had decided not to attend any further sessions with his psychoanalyst. Asked the reason for this decision, the playwright replied, "He was meddling too much in my private life."




William Wordsworth
Wordsworth boasted in Charles Lamb's hearing, "I could write Shakespeare if I had a mind to."
"So it's only the mind that's lacking," murmured Lamb.




George Cadbury
When King George V and Queen Mary visited the Cadbury works, George Cadbury led the way with the queen while his wife walked behind with the king. Cadbury had removed his hat as a mark of respect for royalty. It was, however, very cold, and Queen Mary was concerned lest the old man should get a chill.
"Mr. Cadbury, please put on your hat," she said.
George Cadbury demurred.
"Please, Mr. Cadbury - or I'll ask the king to command you to do so!"
Her host still hesitated. Then from behind them came the ringing tones of Elizabeth Cadbury: "George, put your hat on." He did.




Thomas Stearns Eliot
Publisher Robert Giroux once asked Eliot whether he agreed with the widely held belief that most editors are failed writers. Eliot pondered for a moment, then said, "Yes, I suppose some editors are failed writers - but so are most writers."




Sir Alec Guinness
Alec Guinness was seldom recognized in public. In one of the stories he told about himself, Guinness checked his hat and coat at a restaurant and asked for a claim ticket. "It will not be necessary," the attendant said. Guinness later retrieved his garments, put his hand in the coat pocket and found a slip of paper on which was written, "Bald with glasses."

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