Английский юмор - анекдоты, шутки, смешные случаи

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- English has far too many tenses!
Present Simple, Continuous, Perfect,
Past Simple, Continuous, Perfect
Why do you need so many tenses?
I've overstrained my senses
Learning this tense and that tense!
Or maybe I'm so dense?
- You're right. I wish we had one tense -
I'd like to get it as a Christmas present,
Continuous Simply Perfect Present.



Top Ten Reasons why Studying is better than SEX
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!



A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"



- Your roof must be leaking. Does it always leak?
- No, only when it rains.



"Radio ON-Line" is currently off-line.



- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
- Time flies like an arrow; but fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the right key.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she would dye.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.



I cdnuol't blveiee taht yuo cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and the lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!



Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.
Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it "Focus", because that's where the sun's rays meet.
(clue: "sun's rays meet" sounds like "sons raise meat").



A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse, dear. You can use your other hand to write with."



In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."



One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and said he had found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The kid said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You did what???"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."



- I hear this new cemetry is very popular.
- Yeap! People are just dying to get in.



Somewhere in a chat.
- HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
- try pressing the Caps Lock key........
- O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
- fuck you........



- I went to the bank yesterday. I asked the banker to check my balance. And he... he pushed me!!!



Judge: Does the defendant realize he was driving a one-way street?
Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honour!
Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?
Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!



Newsitem: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.
Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?



Newsflash: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.
Caller: What's the other eye called?



Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.
Caller: I'm interested. What does the job pay?



- What is the antonym for the word "question"?
- "Answer"!
- Nope, "Re: Question".



First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.



Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.



Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!



Mike: Call me a doctor!
Jane: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!



Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?
Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.



-My fiance's birthday is next week and I want to give him a surprise.
-What would you suggest?
-Tell him your real age!



Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!

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